


Horizons be as if new worlds hew

by RosieTarnation



Category: Dickinson (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:13:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21515089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosieTarnation/pseuds/RosieTarnation
Summary: Sue just got married and she has everything she wanted.  She also has a few things she doesn't want.  So much has changed, but Emily is still the person she turns to for help.
Relationships: Austin Dickinson/Susan "Sue" Gilbert, Emily Dickinson/Susan "Sue" Gilbert
Comments: 6
Kudos: 133





	Horizons be as if new worlds hew

**Author's Note:**

> Picking good titles is my actual nightmare. This title comes from a poem by the actual Susan Gilbert Dickinson that begins "Minstrel of the passing day"

Emily and Sue didn't speak for the entire three weeks Sue was on her honeymoon. Emily didn't write to Sue, Sue didn't write to her, Emily didn't even let herself think about Sue too much.  
  
She was focused on her writing, she told herself. And she was. She was writing at a blistering pace, now unhindered by her father's pressure on her. Sue was gone, Ben was gone, Lavinia was busy, even Austin and George were gone and all that meant Emily had loads of time to think and write. Just, not about Sue. She didn't let herself think or write about her.  
  
Then, Sue and Austin came home.  
  
"Welcome home," Emily said, standing beside her mother in the greeting line outside their house. It was a short line - just her parents, herself, and Lavinia. 

She nodded a bit toward Austin, not offering a hug. He looked her quickly up and down, jaw clenched, and decided not to offer one, either.  
  
He nodded at her. "Emily." He stepped aside and hugged Lavinia tightly.  
  
"Welcome home," Emily said, this time much warmer, to Sue. She stood there, waiting for Sue to decide how to greet her.  
  
It only took a fraction of a second, but it felt like hours.  
  
Sue smiled, a polite smile that Emily had seen her put on in a million uncomfortable social situations before. There was some sincerity in her eyes, though.  
  
"Thank you, Emily," she said.  
  
She didn't hug her - they both knew that would be a bad idea in general, with Austin standing right there, but also with how messy they left things between them.   
  
They didn't know how to sort it all out through letters. Even if they did, they both knew Austin would read them.   
  
So they both had resigned themselves to waiting it out, to putting their relationship on hold while they both adjusted to their new lives.  
  
Still, Sue gently took Emily's hand for a moment, a gesture that truly was one of friendship. At least, it definitely looked that way.  
  
Because it felt different to Sue. It felt like she'd gone three weeks, three long, difficult weeks without any contact with Emily. This little contact, the small smile, the sound of her voice, it was like the first warm day after a frosty winter.  
  
Emily felt it, too.  
  
"I kind of thought you'd come back in the balloon," she said, jokingly pointing toward the sky and remembering the last time she saw Sue.  
  
Sue laughed, a real laugh, unhindered by societal pressure or politeness or anything.   
  
Emily smiled. Then, she saw the look Austin gave her and her smile went away.  
  
Sue moved down the line to Lavinia.

* * *

  
"Maggie, are the things for Austin and Sue ready?"  
  
"Almost," Maggie said, serving Mrs. Dickinson her end-of-lunch tea. "I can take it over later this afternoon, instead of sending it home with them now. I'm sorry, dearies."  
  
"Don't worry about it," Austin said. "I appreciate you making anything for us."  
  
"Yeah," Sue said. "It'll be really helpful until I get the kitchen going."

"I can help you set it up, if you'd like," Maggie said. She saw the look she was earning from Mr. and Mrs. Dickinson. "After I finish my work here, of course."  
  
"Maybe you have a friend who could help them?" Mr. Dickinson said. "Another maid in town who needs work?"  
  
"Maggie that's a very kind offer, thank you," Sue said. "I'll figure it out, though."  
  
"Emily, Lavinia, why don't you go over tomorrow and help Sue out?" Mrs. Dickinson suggested.  
  
Emily looked over at Sue, who looked at her. It was a short look, and Sue's expression was unsure but not negative.  
  
And Austin saw all of it, even if he couldn't read the intricacies of their silent communication.  
  
"Sure," Lavinia said. "I still haven't seen the house."  
  
"Yeah," Emily said. "We can come help. No problem."  
  
"Thank you," Sue said, looking at both the sisters.  
  
"It's settled then," Austin said. "Tomorrow will be my first day at the office and I guess, in a way, yours too, Sue." He laughed a bit, making a show of putting a hand on her back.  
  
Sue laughed a bit in response.  
  
"You know, everyone while we were away we saw loved her," Austin said with a proud grin. "They can't wait to come out here and visit the house."  
  
"Really?" Mrs. Dickinson asked. "Then you better get that kitchen running soon!"

* * *

"You can handle helping Sue, right?" Lavinia asked, walking with Emily, each of them armed with a basket of bread and other prepared goods, across the lawn to Sue's house.  
  
"Uh," Emily said. "Yeah. Where are you going?"  
  
"I have an appointment," Lavinia said proudly.  
  
"With who?" Emily asked, surprised. "For what?"  
  
"Betty said she would show some of her sketches today," Lavinia said. "I still haven't figured out how to really draw ruffles right."  
  
"So, what? If we didn't go to Sue's, you were just going to sneak out?"  
  
"Yeah," Lavinia said like it's obvious. "Mom's still coming down from the wedding and she and Dad are still being super weird. No one would notice if I just...slipped away. For a few hours."  
  
"Yeah, okay," Emily said. "Good luck. Break a leg? What do you say to artists?"  
  
"Nothing, you don't say anything about this," Lavinia said. "Dad doesn't care that I'm drawing but if he thinks I'm too serious about it, he'll go off."  
  
Emily nodded. She knew that. "Your secret's safe with me."  
  
They had reached Sue's porch. Sue was expecting them, so she opened the door just in time to see Lavinia hand the basket to Emily.  
  
"Hi, Sue," Lavinia said. "Bye, Sue." She went back down the stairs, leaving Sue standing in her big new house and Emily standing on the porch.  
  
"Come in," Sue said, a little confused.  
  
"She's going to draw with Betty," Emily supplied, then frowned. "That's a secret."  
  
"I won't tell anyone."  
  
"We may have gone a bit overboard," Emily said. "Maggie made bread and Lavinia and I canned some things. You should be set for a little while."  
  
"This is very nice of you all," Sue said, taking the baskets. She nodded down the hall, inviting Emily to follow her to the kitchen.  
  
"This place is nice," Emily said. It was. It was similar to her house, which she liked. The wallpaper was nice in the morning light but she also guessed it would look nice illuminated by lamps at night. The furniture all looked new and the kitchen was well stocked with equipment.  
  
"Thank you," Sue said, placing the baskets on the kitchen work table. "I really like it here."  
  
Emily nodded. "I'm glad."  
  
Sue gave her a bit of a smile as she unloaded the baskets. She took out the bread first and found a knife. "Did you eat breakfast?"  
  
"No, actually," Emily said. "I wanted to get here first thing."  
  
Sue gave her something of a look and Emily forced herself not to figure out what it meant. Or to speculate. Sue cut a slice off the bread for Emily and one for herself..  
  
"Thanks for coming." Sue noticed the distance between them. She expected it. She didn't like it.  
  
"I'm here to help." Emily tore small pieces off the bread as they spoke and ate them.  
  
"Good," Sue said. "Because I need your help with something."  
  
"Sure," Emily said. "Anything."  
  
Sue was holding her slice of bread in her hand, not eating it. She was looking at it, though, tearing tiny pieces off the edge.  
  
"It's not poisoned, or anything," Emily joked. Sue was acting weird, though. She saw it. She was worried.  
  
Sue laughed a bit, a sharp laugh that had a very different tone than Emily expected.  
  
"Damn," she said. "That would've been helpful."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I don't want this baby," Sue said, quickly putting the bread down and looking right at Emily.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I've been thinking about it a lot and I've been trying to...I don't know. Accept it? Come around to it? But I don't want it."  
  
"Okay," Emily said, blinking a few times. "Okay. So you want to get rid of it?"  
  
Sue nodded. "Yes."  
  
"Okay," Emily breathed. This was really not where she expected this day to go. "Okay."  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
"Yes," Emily said. "Just...surprised."  
  
"I always said I didn't want kids."  
  
"I know," Emily said. She did know that. She and Sue had talked about it, but it was usually part of their conversations about marriage. Emily wasn't proud of it, but she had sort of figured that now that Sue was married and she found herself pregnant anyway... "Right. Okay."  
  
"I know it's kind of a lot."  
  
"No," Emily said, shaking her head. She could feel herself getting over the shock of it and forced herself to come the last bit of the way down. "No, it doesn't have to be."  
  
"Right?" Sue said. "People do this all the time."  
  
"Right. And this is what you want my help with? Because Sue I'm sorry, I don't know any...I don't know _how_ -."  
  
"Oh, no," Sue said quickly. "That's not what I'm asking. I want you to go with me."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"I'm asking you to go with me," Sue said. "Austin doesn't know and he never needs to."  
  
"He doesn't know you're pregnant?"  
  
"I never told him," Sue said. "There were a lot of chances to and every time they came up, I couldn't do it."  
  
"Well, you're scared. That's normal."  
  
"I'm not scared."  
  
"Sue, it's okay. I know you're scared but what happened to your mother, it won't happen to you. She was older, Austin will get you the best doctors, it won't happen to you-."  
  
"I don't want it, Emily."  
  
"Okay," Emily said, hands up, speaking softly. "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to talk you out of this."  
  
"So what are you saying?"  
  
"Nothing," Emily said. "Of course I'll go with you."  
  
Sue finally let herself feel a bit of the relief she'd been dying to feel for weeks.  
  
"Thank you, Emily."  
  
"Of course. Anytime." She made a bit of a face. "When? They're starting to make it illegal to get it done at all. Connecticut has all sorts of laws now, Massachusetts is probably next."  
  
"I know. It's legal until I feel it move so I should have a few weeks, but I don't want to push it," Sue said. "I thought we might go today."  
  
"Today? Like, now?"  
  
"If you can," Sue said.  
  
"What about the kitchen?"  
  
"I have time for that," Sue said. "I'll do it myself in a few days, I'll say I came down with something until then."  
  
"It's your first real day back," Emily said. "The whole time you were gone, you were waiting to do this?"  
  
Sue clenched her jaw a bit. "Look, I know I'll have kids one day. Austin says he's okay with me not wanting them, but this is what people like us do. This is my life now. And I can live with that, I can do that in the future. But I just got married, I just moved here, I...I don't want my whole entire life to change and become about someone else just because Austin said some nice things to me on Christmas and we got caught off guard."  
  
"What-? Oh. Oh! Ew."  
  
"Emily, seriously?"  
  
"You were at my house on Christmas!"  
  
"I've had sex with you in your house on lots of holidays," Sue said. "That's not the point."  
  
"Right, sorry," Emily said, shaking her head back into focus. "Okay. So when do we go? Now?"  
  
Sue nodded. "I was going to go into town today and say I was getting things for the house, and then suddenly come down with something so I can take it easy the next few days."  
  
"You've got this all figured out, then."  
  
Sue looked at her, not sure what to make of it.  
  
Emily wasn't sure, either, what to make of what she herself said.  
  
"I...it's dangerous, Sue."  
  
"Having a baby is dangerous."  
  
"I know," Emily said. "But this is still dangerous."  
  
"I know a few places, if the one we go to looks too bad we'll go somewhere else."  
  
Emily nodded.  
  
"Emily, it will be fine," Sue said. "I mean, there are abortionists that run ads in newspapers in New York City! Just because we live up here doesn't mean we shouldn't have the same freedom."  
  
"I agree," Emily said. "I agree completely."  
  
"So, why do you look like that?"  
  
"You just got back," Emily said. "I haven't seen you, I haven't spoken to you in three weeks. I wasn't expecting this."  
  
Sue nodded. She honestly hadn't expected to come to this conclusion, either, but now that she had she couldn't imagine changing her mind.   
  
"I'm sorry you were going through all this alone," Emily finished.  
  
"It's okay."  
  
"It's not," Emily said. "You're totally right, you deserve the life you want. You shouldn't have to have a baby now just because you got pregnant. I'm sorry I didn't ask before what you wanted."  
  
Again, Sue let out something of a strange sort-of laugh. It was rueful, it was almost sad, it was nearing on bitter. "It's okay. It's not your fault. It's not your problem."  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"I don't want you to be a whole world away," Sue said. "And this, what I'm doing, it's not about us. And it's not about Austin, it's about me. And I just...I want us to be okay."  
  
"We are okay."  
  
Sue gave her a look like she didn't believe it.  
  
"You're here, you...you're here," Emily offered, and it was the best she could do. There was so much to go over, so much to sort out, she really didn't want to open that box prematurely. She did want to, though, when the time was right. "We'll figure it out."  
  
Sue nodded, straightening her dress a bit. "Ready?"  
  
Emily nodded now. "Yeah, let's go."

* * *

Amherst was a college town with tons of young men from all over the Northeast coming to, in theory, study. But they didn't just study. Emily knew that there were people in town who performed abortions, she lived in reality. But she didn't know where.  
  
And she didn't know how Sue knew, either.  
  
Still, she followed Sue, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. They did go to a few shops first, and even picked up a few small things for the town.  
  
Then Sue took them around a corner, down a street Emily thought she knew. Sue took her into a building, to a woman that Emily knew she'd seen around town.  
  
Sue greeted her, they chatted for a while, then they got what they came for. Emily held her hand, sat with her for a little while after, then Sue sat up.  
  
"Ready?"  
  
"Yeah, if you are."  
  
"Let's go."

* * *

"I think I still have that bottle of opium lying around somewhere," Emily said, walking with Sue into her bedroom.  
  
"From that party?" Sue asked, laughing a bit. "I didn't think there was any left."  
  
"Does it hurt?"  
  
"It's fine," Sue said. "I picked up some things when we were in Boston."  
  
Emily nodded and helped Sue into her bed. "Do you need anything?"  
  
"No," Sue said. "I'm good."  
  
Emily nodded. "Do you want to get some sleep?"  
  
"Yeah, that sounds good," Sue said. "Are you leaving?"  
  
"No," Emily said. "Promise. I'll give you some space, though. Go to sleep. I'm not going anywhere."  
  
Sue smiled a bit and Emily helped her pull the sheets over her. She kissed her forehead and left the room.

* * *

When Sue woke up a few hours later, she couldn't find Emily anywhere. She looked room by room, trying to figure out where she'd be.  
  
She was on the first floor, looking in the library that Austin had started filling with books of law, when she heard sound coming from the kitchen.  
  
She went down there and saw Emily stoking the fire.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
Emily spun around quickly. "Stoking the fire."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because it takes ages to get a fire good enough to cook on," Emily said. "I got this sucker going, now it'll be good to go whenever. Just check on it in the morning or so."  
  
Sue looked around the room. The kitchen was basically set up - the fire was going, everything that Emily brought and Sue bought was unpacked. There was bread dough rising and other ingredients prepared for easy access.  
  
"You set up the kitchen."  
  
"I told you I wasn't going anywhere."  
  
"You didn't have to do this," Sue said.  
  
"I know," Emily replied. She finally stopped messing with things, organizing little pieces of the kitchen. She looked straight at Sue. "I wanted to. How are you feeling?"  
  
"Emily, I'm fine," Sue said. "Better than I expected, even."  
  
"Good," Emily replied. She looked around the kitchen, honestly impressed with her handiwork and taking in the fact that she was standing in Sue's kitchen.   
  
The whole time Emily knew her, Sue didn't have anything that was hers. She lived with her sister when she first came to Amherst and after that sister died, bounced around between boarding houses and the Dickinsons.   
  
But this, this house, this life she was living, it was hers.  
  
"It's wild, right?" Sue said. "Two months ago I was offering to clean up Betty's shop to pay off my wedding dress and now I have a house."  
  
"You're going to have some great parties here."  
  
"I think I'm actually looking forward to them," Sue said, sitting on a stool in front of the counter. "It was fun, going to all those parties while we were away. I can see myself being that person who invites people into her home and makes them comfortable, who lets them have fun."  
  
Emily smiled. "Yeah, I can see it, too. You're always the belle of the ball. Makes sense you'd be the Belle of Amherst."  
  
Sue laughed. "Don't let people call me that."  
  
"I think it's cute, I'm going to tell everyone to call you that."  
  
"Thank for you today," Sue said. "For coming with me, for staying, for doing all this."  
  
"Of course, Sue," Emily said. She sighed a bit. "Look, I know we have a lot we need to talk about. A lot of stuff went down before the wedding but can we not do it just yet? Can we just...this? I like this, us being in here and talking like we used to. Can we just do that for a little while?"  
  
Sue didn't want to get into it either. She didn't want to know right then exactly why Emily wasn't at the wedding. She didn't think she'd like the answer. She didn't want to get into the messy details of figuring out what they were to each other now, of sorting through their feelings and their lives and their drama and their commitments to see what the best possible thing they could make of it, to see what else they would have to sacrifice.  
  
"Yes," Sue said. "I'd like that."

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who actually did research and went down a rabbit hole of the history of abortion in the United States? It's very interesting how attitudes were different even just 150 years ago. For the most part in the first half of the 1800s, abortion was legal and accepted until the Victorians went Full Victorian starting in the 1860s and started putting laws we're probably more familiar with now on the books. Anyway it sort of blew my mind that it would've been easier to get an abortion in 1830 (there really were ads in newspapers in NYC!) than 2019 in many parts of the US.
> 
> Anyway I was thinking of ways the show might go and it may go in this general direction? We know Sue doesn't have a kid until 5 years after she's married (though the show is *creative* with it's timelines, let's say) and the show is pretty feminist and likes to bring up all sorts of little tidbits about the past that we may have forgotten about or not expected. Also I think it makes a lot of sense for Sue's character - she has what she's worked for for her entire life and now that she has a husband and stability, I don't think she'd want to make another huge commitment before she gets to enjoy what she's worked for, or at least get used to it. So that's what I was thinking with this. I hope you like it!
> 
> Also if you aren't pro-choice don't read my work :)


End file.
